When I think about wanting to destroy myself, I don't just mean the self created from perceptions. Not just the "idea" of myself, but the physical body and all the parts that contribute to its whole function also yearn to destroy themselves. It's just adding symbolism to autoimmune diseases. Projecting my "self" onto its body. But it can't be without this body. In any other body, it would be a different self. The one to be destroyed is the current incarnation, created out of every circumstance it has been subject to.
The disease is just one part of it. My own body tries to kill itself at the same time it tries to do all it can to stay alive, constantly fighting itself. The desire for self destruction contending with self preservation leaks into my own consciousness. That's not to say having an autoimmune disease is the sole reason for my struggles. This is all just to say I'm hardwired to be this way. It's a fundamental part of my own existence. I want to live and make the best of my life, but I'm always destroying myself in some capacity at the same time.
In that way, I like to see myself as capable of embodying many opposing traits. I can be anywhere between masculine and feminine, laid back and self-disciplined, angelic and demonic, terrifying and beautiful. That's my goal at least, in a really exaggerated sense.